KEMUZ: We Dare You to Play These Scores!

"QUANTUM SHOT" #124

...although it may be hazardous to your mental health

Best just to frame them as a poster and look at them (feeling grateful that your life is not nearly as complicated as they are). To order the prints, contact FaeriesAire. Click to enlarge for better detail:

This is "Faerie's Aire And Death Waltz" (from "A Tribute To Zdenko G. Fibich") composed (or rather, feverishly authored) by John Stump (read this Wiki article for more info)

Note such performance highlights, as
"add bicycle"..."begin to fall"..."gradually become agitated"..."remove cattle from stage"..."RELEASE THE PENGUINS!" and "balance your chair on two legs"

Not the same composer, but similarly mad score:
(click to enlarge)

"String Quartet No. 556(b)
for Strings In A Minor (Motoring Accident)"
Courtesy Bryan Higgins

Don't forget to "leap over cellist", and make "glissando using tip of nose".
It comes with helpful advice: "if arm falls off, re-attach and play much slower",
"shock therapy may be necessary to finish"...
Also, notice the fine print: "Really big notes do not exist", and the 23/4 measure (officially unplayable)

Thanks to the good folks from Metafilter, here is another bizarre score:
Atushi Ojisama and Ijigen Waltz

"Lament of the Introspective Turnbuckle", by Andrew Fielding
(dedicated to a swimsuit model, and played by... blondes?)

Source: Bryan Higgins

Sylvano Bussotti (1931～) Sette Fogli "Mobile-Stabile per Chitarre, Canto e Piano"

Helicopter String Quarter by Karl Heinz Stockhousen, found here

Another one:

via

We invite you to explore this page. There are too many weird musical pieces to mention. (via MusicThing)

In case you wondered "How to play Elise":